The Chardon School Board will be making significant and far-reaching budget cuts in response to the failure of the proposed levy last November.
The School Board seems to be following in the footsteps of neighboring school system, Riverside. The Board has announced that all busing will be cut and all bus drivers’ contracts will be terminated. The combined savings from the payroll, gas, and repairs is estimated to be around $400,000 a year. To generate some revenue, the fleet of buses will be sold to the Monster Truck Racing Association for $2,000 each. Bus driver Ms Frizzle said, “I don’t know what I’m going to do with my life now that I can’t drive buses. Maybe I’ll become a traveling magician.” Akin to Riverside, the Board will raise the cost to play sports, but with one exception. CHS Athletic Director Mr. Snyder commented, “Next year, the activation cost of all sports except for football will be $800. The cost to play football will be reduced to $20 because of the recent spike in community interest and the sponsorship we received from Klaus Teuber, the creator of the popular board game ‘The Settlers of Catan’, Ibuprofen, and Nike Elite socks.” TJ Benenati commented, “I’m mostly excited about the free Catan boards, but free socks and Ibuprofen for life will help me represent Chardon Football for the rest of my life.”
Not surprisingly, some budget reductions are planned in the utilities and services department. Our school’s boiler and heater monkeys will be sold The Cleveland Clam Factory, to increase their boiled clam production. The air conditioning will be permanently shut off to save on electricity. Printing papers at school will now cost $1 per page, but copying will remain free. All school desks are going to be sold to a local scrap yard for a few cents each, but do not be alarmed. Doctor Steve Stepp of Stept Pharmaceuticals said, “Studies have shown that standing is better for overall physique and increases attentiveness by disabling the students’ sleep ability.” The School Board is also answering the community’s complaints about the leaky gym roof and decomposing ceiling; it will be removed. The board said, “Chardon’s climate is perfect for outdoor sports, so the basketball season will be moved to the spring and hockey will take its place in the winter rotation. Finally a blow out open house sale is going to be held on June 7th. Every single Item in the school will be up for auction, and sold to the highest bidder: every T.V., computer, eraser, desk, door, window, and book. Pretty much everything except the football gear can be bought.
Budget cuts will also be made on the academic front. All advance placement classes will be canceled in favor of new character building classes. The AP teachers will retain their positions, but will be teaching these new classes. Mrs. Rohr, current CHS AP Chemistry teacher, will be teaching Bird Watching 1 and How To Live in a Cabin in The Woods. She said, “I’ve always wanted to teach truly meaningful classes that I have a passion for, so I am very grateful for the opportunity.” Mr. Brown will be teaching a class that centers around how to construct a sarcasm detector along with Comedy for Dummies, a class intended for seniors aspiring to be stand up comedians. Mr. Brown added, “I’m sure everyone will be so engaged in my classes. It’s going to be just fantastic.” Plenty lower budget classes are planned, but haven’t been announced yet. CHS senior Slugger Bolo said, “Rumor has it Mr. Cole will be teaching How To Run For President.” Sadly your beloved newspaper The Hilltop Echo’s echo was not reverberated and this will be its final issue. It’s been swell, mahalo.